Jokes

[Johnno]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlH_sZ6LhEE

 

Gee I love living in Western Sydney. Only us will appreciate this, so funny...

 

Capella needs more wanderers stickers

[Midfielder]

Yellow Army, RBB & Cove supporter are in Sudia Arabia and get caught with a boot full of booze and they have been drinking…

 

They are sentenced to 20 years jail each …

 

They are in luck as it is the Sultan’s Birthday and the Australian Embassy has sort a pardon for them.  The Sultan offers them to receive 10 lashes of the whip and have the 20 years jail pardon. All three accept the Sultan’s offer.

 

The Sultan makes one final wish … each is allowed one wish.

 

First is the RBB fan and he says can I have a pillow strapped to my back. The Sultan allows this but after three whips the whip broke tho and the RBB fan got 7 lashes.

 

Next is the Cove supporter the Sultan also grants him a wish. He asks for two pillows to be strapped to his back. The Sultan agrees but after five lashes the whip breaks tho and the Cove fan gets 5 lashes.

 

Lastly the Coastie comes forward and the Sultan says given you are last I will grant you two wishes. The Coastie says my first wish is for 100 lashes.. The Sultan is amazed and says you are very brave and I grant you 100 lashes and what’s you second wish…. Strap the Cove supporter to my back… 

Edited August 28, 2013 by Midfielder

[NATO]

If a sydney fc and a melbourne victory fan jumped off a 12 story building at the same time who would hit the ground first?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who gives a sh!t.

[Wanderer74]

The Wanderers fan thought of the pillows first. The Cove Guy copied him

[Johnno]

the cove fan claimed he invented pillows, with much more history than the wanderers pillow

[dmixtaaa]

Cove members are pillow biters...

[Kraken]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

[Midfielder]

A Biker walked into a chemist shop in NEWCASTLE, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

 

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.

 

The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

 

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

 

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a ......permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

 

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

 

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best We can do is:

 

1/3 ownership in the shop .... 
A company car... 
Five home cooked dinners a week .. 
And $3,000 a month in living expenses."

Edited August 31, 2013 by Midfielder

[Midfielder]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'
 
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'
 
'And who was the girl you were with?'
 
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'
 
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
 
'I'll never tell.'
 
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
 
  'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
 
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
 
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'
 
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

 

'What'd you get ?'
 
'Four months vacation and five good leads...'

[ManfredSchaefer]

With apologies to Rodney Rude...

 

Man walks into a takeaway and goes up to the counter where an old woman is there looking bored. "Excuse me," he says to her "can I order two hamburgers and a hotdog?" The women says yes, and goes out to the kitchen down the back, gives the order to the cook, then comes back. 'That'll be $10.00' she says, and the man pays her.

 

About five minutes later a bell rings and the woman goes back to the kitchen, returning with a hamburger under each armpit. The man looks at her and in a suprised voice asks the obvious question. "Why have you got my hamburgers in your armpits"?

 

"Oh, I'm keeping them warm."

 

"Well in that case you can forget the hotdog".

[MarcelFC]

Love love this.

[Benched]

Marcel, sorry to break the news but it was posted on the funny yt vids thread a while ago.

 

Is very funny though.

[ManfredSchaefer]

Apologies to Rodney Rude Mark II (from when he was funny in the mid 80s)

 

A talent agent is sitting in his office when he gets a call on the intercom from his receptionist that there is a man in the lobby looking to show him his act. As it's been a quiet week or so with not many bookings the agent decides that he'd take a look at the guy, so he tells his receptionist to let the man through.

A scant minute later there's a knock on his door, to which the talent agent says "Come on in." Thereupon a tall thin man, middle aged and wearing glasses walks up to the desk of the talent agent and introduces himself.

"Hi, my name's Bob and I think I have a pretty spectacular act you might like."

The talent agent nods his head and says "Well Bob, what's your act?"

"I sing through my arse"

The talent agent's jaw drops and instantly he starts dreaming about what could be the sensation of his career. "You sing through your arse?!" Bob says yes and again the talent agent asks incredulously "You sing through your arse!?"

Bob again replies in the affirmative so the talent agent kicks back a little, smiles a huge grin and says "I wanna see this act of yours. I wanna see you sing through your arse. Show me how you sing through arse."

The man in front of him unbuckles his belt, undoes his pants and then drops them around his ankles. he then turns his back towards the talent agent who is waiting with increasing excitement as Bob then yanks down his underpants, exposing his bare bum. Then, before the talent agent can say anything more Bob sticks his backside over the desk and craps all over the wooden surface.

"You disgusting bastard!" yells the talent agent "why the **** did you just crap on my desk?"

"Sorry," comes the reply "I had to clear my throat"...

 

(Don't blame me...I was hit by a car and landed on my head when I was 14)

Edited September 9, 2013 by ManfredSchaefer

[Benched]

This is worth clicking on the links....

 

http://www.27bslash6.com/f26a.html

 

and a notable mention....

 

http://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html

[Davo]

^^^ I'd completely forgotten about that site. It's hilarious. The one with the snowboard shop and the guy from work who wants the pie charts are also awesome.

[ManfredSchaefer]

More from the RR Library...

 

In the bar of an exclusive golf club one Sunday there was a doctor sitting back having a few drinks with friends, after he'd finished playing a round earlier that day. He was relaxed and enjoying the situation when through the doors of the club house a very upset and frantic man came rushing in.

 

"Migod...please...can someone help me? Is there a doctor in the house?"

 

The doctor looked up from his drink and say "Yep, I'm a doctor. What's wrong?"

 

The agitated man came running over to the doctor and said "Oh thank God you're here...it's my wife."

 

"Your wife? What's wrong?"

 

"She's been hit by a golf ball."

 

"Oh dear; that sound's bad...where was she hit?"

 

"Between the first and second hole."

 

The doctor thought for a nanosecond and then replied...

 

"That doesn't leave much room for a band aid."

[Midfielder]

An elderly Italian lived alone in New Jersey. 

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. 
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, 
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. 
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, 
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. 
Love you, 
Vinnie.

[102megan]

Firstly, Happy International Talk Like A Pirate Day!!

 

And keeping in theme of that:

 

Q. Where do you find buccaneers?

 

 

A. On your buckin' head!

 

[Midfielder]

A SFC fan wearing a SFC shirt was sitting on a blanket at the beach at Terrigal.

He had broken arms and broken legs, his also had a spinal brace on, all from a recent accident, essentially he could not move. 

Three women, from Western Sydney a RBB member, a Newcastle member, and a Coastie member , were walking past they where having a re union of sorts. and felt sorry for the poor man.

The Western sydney woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Newcastle woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Coastie woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been F***ed,?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Well ya will be the tide comes in soon."

Edited September 20, 2013 by Midfielder

[NATO]

Ticketek!

[Midfielder]

Anyone know how to cancel an ebay bid? I made an offer for a Mickey Mouse outfit & now I'm 6 mins away from owning the Sydney FC!

[Burgerman]

How do you confuse a blonde.tell her to go drown a fish

 

How do you know she is a complete airhead.She buys a motorbike and asks for air conditioning to be fitted

[theguyyouwishyouwere]

what's fun for nine out of ten people?

 

a gang bang.

[dmixtaaa]

AN  ELDERLY  ITALIAN  CATHOLIC  GENTLEMAN...who lived on 
the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. 
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied:  "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. 
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weaknesses of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest."Should I tell her the war is over...?''

[ManfredSchaefer]

After the Penriff game this seems appropriate
 
What has six legs, two heads, a tail and a prick on the middle of its back?

A mounted policeman's horse

 

[stavup]

Q) What Happens when an Serb with a Boner runs into a wall?
A) He breaks his nose

 

​I hope among all the Catholic..Fu@K YA MUM, panthers and every other type of joke nobody finds this offensive...fair deal..

[Midfielder]

Notice for SFC folk in Parramatta. If you are trapped in a burning house or have been seriously injured, or bleeding to death.................the new emergency number is:

 

0978453628274625476274563282010217836735373832282627282929292826273838393903903903938393939322721008836271923736464883929278267272937373834949409348337369201099977728272636363535446728229897625419876325178953214789258801297885214990985213045678209820325697841235012578952612259712589221499256121227899221320017825336654123789221.

[Midfielder]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. 

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" ... See more
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. 

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." 

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. 

Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. 

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." 

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back." 

 

[antoniocortell]

How does a butcher introduce his wife? meet patty

 

What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? de brie was everywhere

 

What's Australia's friendliest motorway? M8

[Balkanite]

What do you call a Fly inside an Arsenal fan's head?

 

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The Brain